Physical Feeling

By Toni Gamarro-Payne

Have you ever had pain from your head down to your toe?
Not sure where to put your head, not sure where to go?
You really don't feel like much because you hurt so bad,
And talking about it really stinks because it makes you feel sad,
Yet every one always asks how you feel each day
They think they're being sweet, it's the polite thing to say.
What they do not realize is you really don't need to think,
About this pain that haunts you, about this pain that stinks,
Each and every day I push, I try to send it away,
Each and every day it comes and tries to wreck my day,
I can not let it do that, I can not let it win,
I can not give it power, I can not let it in.
With each and every step I take I feel the pain inside,
With each and every step I know that I have tried,
To live each day to it's fullest and enjoy the beauty it has brought,
to appreciate the little things and listen to what I was taught.
I am not the pain inside me I am more than that,
Sometimes I just need for people to know just where I am at.
Please do not feel sorry for me that is not what's best,
Just listen when I don't want to talk or when I feel unrest,
Know it has nothing to do with you just the pain inside,
and when I'm feeling better I'll come on out in stride,
I'll enjoy the beauty that life has brought and relish in it's sounds,
For I know the pain is gone but still it lurks around.


I wish I could explain this to my husband but its hard for me to talk about. 9 years ago I was in a car accident and I was told I was going to ok. I believed those in charge who assured me nothing was wrong but still I had a heck of a time walking. I had lumbar spinal damage that went undetected because the doctors at the hospital felt it wasn't anything to be concerned about yet my Chiropractor felt differently. He helped me and I was feeling better but it was a long haul. During this time I never regained full use of my arms, in that I was never able to raise them above my head again but there was a cracked collar bone and something going on in the shoulder of the other one so I didn't worry. After I met my husband 5 years ago things started to get worse. I was having more and more trouble walking and it got harder and harder for me to raise my arms. A little over a year ago they found out I have both cervical and lumbar spinal damage and they can't fix it. The answers were sorry you have to learn to live with it and it's better now if you do because if you start taking all this pain medication now later.....When you really need it..... There won't be anything we can do. So each and every day I wake up in pain and go to bed in pain and I try not to say too much. I do have some pain medication that I use only if I absolutely have to but on a whole I try not to use it. I'm only 50 years old and plan on being around many more years so I do not want to get used to this medication or that and then be hooked on pain meds for the rest of my life. I don't think I am anything special because there are people out there who suffer a lot more than I do and go through so much more than me and I pray for them every day because they need to be able to rest and find comfort in their day and to be able to smile once in a while. I am able to get on a treadmill and try to work out and I am able to do a little here and there but I guess what I miss the most is my independence. My husband and the kids think an automatic wheelchair will give that back to me, what do you think? I used to drive myself to work, go to the store and food shop, take the kids out, pick one up drop one off what ever I was needed to do. I used to walk 4 miles a day with a goal to reach 8 miles in a day and be at my best physical health. I am proud to say I just made it past the .25 mark on the treadmill but hey at least I did it. I love life, the beauty of it, the sounds of it, there's so much to love and so much to see, I don't want to be sitting in my window the rest of my life and never be able to do for myself again that's a fear and it's a fear that is a reality when I am in pain so bad I can't stand, I can't walk, I can't think. Meditation helps, going inside myself helps, praying helps most of all. I tell my husband it hurts down to my bones and he tells me bones don't hurt it's the nerves that hurt, I don't care I hurt and to me they are my bones but at least I can feel the pain. I have something to be thankful for because I could not feel the pain at all and not be able to use the legs or the arms and then what. I guess, I'm blessed in a way. So you see I am already having my prayers heard and answered because things could be a lot worse.