Some personal thoughts

I haven't written any personal thoughts lately because I've been working on my writing and trying to get my stories ready for a publisher but I feel I need to write down some things.

Only a short month ago I thought I was going to have a baby. I had mixed emotions, of course, because at my age who wants to start over again. However, I went to the doctor to find out and things didn't go exactly the way I had hoped. When I went to his office for my examination he too thought there was a good chance I was going to have a baby. The ultrasound, he thought, looked like the start of a pregnancy however, the blood test proved differently. The following week I was off to have a few test done. One was a more indebted unltrasound the other a momography and ultrasound of my breast. Both tests held a little surprise. My monography showed an abnormality in my left breast believed to be non cancer. But now I have to go to still another doctor to have a biopsy done on Tuesday. I am not in the least bit nervous about having cancer because I believe it is not there at this time, at least not in my breast. I was also told I have to go for a D&C so he can do another biopsy of my uterus because there is a slight thickening of the uterine wall which is why he believed I could be pregnant.

Here's where I have to admit I am a little scared. I lost my mother to cancer almost eleven years ago. These eleven years I have lived a life where I felt the loss every day and I don't want my children to ever feel that loss because I didn't take care of myself. If God chooses to take me home there is nothing I can do to stop it but if it is because I do not do what ever is necessary to survive then I am depriving my children and my husband of me. I don't ever want to do that. I love them all too much.

My mother had uterine, ovarian, and cervical cancer a long time ago and she beet it. After ten years she was told she had lung cancer and lost the battle. Of course lung cancer has nothing to do with her first cancer but I don't have to wonder how she got it because she was a heavy smoker. I wish I could explain to smokers just how much they hurt their families by not taking care of themselves. Even though I was 38 years oldwhen my mother died I feel the loss every day. My age didn't make it any easier and the fact that my children were so young hurt because they had to grow up without their Grandmother who should have been here a long time. She should have been able to grow old with her husband and that didn't happen because this damn disease. I guess my biggest fear in life is cancer. I am afraid of it. I am terrified I will die here, in this very house I grew up in, never having my first book published, never buying my farm, never seeing my Grandchildren grow up. I don't want that. I want to be here a long time and I am sorry this is such a morbid entry but I have been keeping so much inside me since I found out I may have a problem because I don't know how to express myself verbablly. I write it better, I always did.

This month I am going to be 49 years old. My mother had her first case of cancer when she was just 47 years old. My very good friend just fought a year long battle with breast cancer at only 39 years old and I am happy, thrilled, to say she is doing great when the doctors were terrified she may not do so well since she was so far gone. I lost numerous family members and friends to this horrible disease so yes I am afraid of it. I am terrified I am going to be another one it claims before I have a chance to live my life to it's fullest. Life means so much to me and I do, at times, get frustrated because I am still in the same house I grew up in and my father is still here with me in this house and believe it or not he's still telling me what to do and not to do. At times I want that to stop but then I think about it and I am thankful I have still have him to tell me what to do or not to do. He means so much to me and having to tell him I have to go for a biopsy was one of the hardest things for me to do because I don't want him to worry. He's 78 years old with Parkinson disease. He doesn't need to worry about me but I am a parent too so I know even though he doesn't need he is going to even when I am not facing a biopsy because he is my father and that's what parents do, they care, they worry.

I haven't been able to cry in front of my family because I don't want them to know how upset I really am. I don't want them to know how scared I am so I tell them and my friends it's nothing to worry about and it's probably not but in the back of my mind it sits there that maybe, just maybe mind you, there is something to worry about. I've already made up my mind about treatment or whatever because I have had years of those I love go through this and I know what I would want for me. I made up my mind long before I was told to go for a biopsy because I figure it was something I needed to come to terms with just in case I ever had to confront cancer and I believe the best way to do that is to hit it head on.

Where we live there is so much of this disease and so many die from it but no one has done a study as to why, at least not as far as I know, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know New Jersey is contaminated with this disease because of things like the industrial revolution when they didn't know the dangers of dumping all that garbage into our water and how it was going to pollute not only the water supply but the air we breath and the soil we walk on and plant our foods. I sometimes wonder if it was all worth it. Yes we are a country that has advanced and continues to but at what risk. New Jersey and New York are considered the best places for jobs because of the pay but you know I don't think it should cost me my life or anyone else theirs because there is money to be made out here. Perhaps someone should do a study of the air we breath and how to clean it up as well as the water or the land instead of worrying whether or not gays have a right to be married and fighting to stop it.

Lately I've been feeling a little lost inside myself because I am scared and I am mad because too many look the other way. My being mad isn't a new feeling because I may or may not have a problem. My being mad started even before my mother died. I lost one of the first people I ever loved in life to lung cancer when I was only five years. That person was my paternal Grandfather. I love him so much I can still remember him. He was a big man and I couldn't believe anything could ever take him away from us. Not my Pop! But this disease knows no boundaries and it's not getting any better in Jersey. We need to start thinking about our children and get them out of here. I have asked my children to please think about moving from here as soon as they can. I am begging them not to raise my Grandchildren in a disease infested state. Yes infested and if you don't believe me take a walk on the cancer floor of any hospital in this state. Talk to the family members and friends of these poor people fighting for their lives and share in the joys of those who have managed to escape death but have to hold their breath for the next five years if not more. There was a slogan Jersey used to use and is said "New Jersey and you .... Perfect together." I don't think there is anything perfect in this state when you could smell the pollution as you drive through the park in the town where I grew up. It's so bad it burns my nose but nothing is being done about it. What about the garbage floating up on the shores. My daughter was down the shore with my niece and the garbage that was in the ocean made her sick. Now we aren't talking the bay we are talking an area like Seaside where there are a lot of people in the water every day. A few years ago my ex husband took my children with his wife, for the day to the lake. While they were there the garbage that was floating in the lake was a disgrace but you have to blame the people of this state too because they don't know what it's like to have things nice and clean so they live in filth, they play in filth, and they dumped even their baby diapers in the water. My son got sick with a virus that lasted for months and there was no treatment, the virus had to take it's course. So you see this state needs help and the people who live here need to open their eyes. They need to fight for their state to improve it, to clean it up. The powers that be need to hear us but the clean up has to be more than picking up garbage. It has to go out to the industries of this state and they have to be made to clean up the mess they have made of our air, water, and soil. They have to be held responsible and it should not be a public official who over sees it but the entire community where the clean up is taking place. I don't know how to do it but the offenders should be made to report the community they are infecting and not to someone who will take a kick back to keep their mouth shut. I'm not saying all elected officials are crooked but there are more that are then not.

I look around this state, hell around the area I grew up, and I can't believe how it has been allowed to deterrorate. How much it has changed in the past ten years, 5 years, and not for the better. People are dying because they can't breath the air, drink the water, or eat the food grown in some parts of this state because the ground is just as sick. The cancer isn't just in the people it is in the environment and it is going to take more than a walk in the park to get it cleaned up and help those we love. If I find out I am cancer free I will thank God for that but it still doesn't change things. This is a beautiful country and we are letting it get trashed. We need to figure out what to do to make it well, help it and the people in it heal. One thing we need to realize is drugs that are working on cancer patients in Europe are developed here and allowed to be used there while we do our testing over and over again and take a good 15 years to get it approved to use here. Sad isn't it. We are supposed to be so advanced but we can't help those who live here survive diseases like cancer and aides but in Europe they take the drugs we are working on here and give it a shot because it's better than not trying anything at all or just using whatever we have even though we know it won't work. My God we are so far behind the times all because we are afraid of the insurance companies who will refuse to pay for the treatment that may or may not save my life or the life of someone I love or you love.

I wish I could say I have the answers on how to clean up this state and make life healthier for those who live here and in making it healthier making it happier, but I don't. I wish I had the answers for a cure to this disease but again I don't so all I really did here is vent a little because I'm scared maybe a little more than I care to admit but I promise you if I figure out how to get someone to listen to me and I get more voices willing to take a stand and demand their environment is cleaned up then I will let you know. I will not stop looking for the answers because I think the people are worth it. Thanks for listening to me. I'm sorry I've been so long winded. I promise I will add to my story Spirit Wolf this weekend. Thank you all for listening to me and for coming back to my page. If you like to help fight and find a way to clean up the environment let me know, sign my page. Maybe together we can figure out why the insurance companies have such a hold over our government that they have the final say in how we get medical treatment or don't get it. Sign my page and let's see what we can get started.